A new kind of mom liberation

I got off the phone with a friend who has been having problems with her 19-year old and I did something I've been practicing: I kept my mouth shut. (Yay!) I used to always feel the urge to give advice; somehow didn't that mean I could be in control. I hate even writing that, but actually, that's what it meant.

When we were having "issues" with our kids, nothing anyone said except "I understand" helped. Or "I've been there" or "I know." Nothing. Problem was people liked to give advice. All the advice was about how all we needed to do was to control and "make" these young adults do things they should coupled with how we should intervene so they didn't have to feel the natural consequences of the choices they'd made.

It was confusing and exhausting.

Then I met Carolanne. She said something different, and better: "I can relate to everything you just said." She doesn't offer suggestions right then (unless I ask), but just the fact that she gets it is totally enough. When she doesn't get it she simply says, "I don't have experience with that, but I can relate to something being so hard to experience--I can relate to all of that."

I also met Marla. She said, "That must be so hard," and she did it with just the right amount of compassion that it didn't feel like pity. At all. She explained to me that kids have their own brains, make their own choices. My job was to focus in on me, and how to take care of myself so my love for my no-longer minor kids (who were making choices I didn't necessarily like, though I loved them) didn't get diluted by my anxiety, worry, fear, pressure, judgments, which trick me into thinking I actually have control over them when I don't. Never did.

Doesn't every mom go through this? Be honest. When I was younger I'd never admit any of this to anyone. I'm paraphrasing Marla's words, of course, but the essence is all there. Acceptance--acceptance of me and where I'm at, even if I'm not where she is at yet.

So I found myself thinking that the only problem this mom-friend really had was that she was holding on. "I just need to find the right thing to say," she kept saying. "Then maybe she'd listen to me." She was still trying to teach her daughter how to grow up. In order for her daughter to grow, it seemed, she needed to let it go.

But I just listened. Because, just like that mom would never find the perfect choice of words to liberate her daughter, I would never find them to liberate my friend. It comes from the inside first. I hope she looks there. It sure helped me.